I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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