I'm laying in your front yard are you home
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
