i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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