just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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