Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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