I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
