My cat gives me a boner
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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