I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
