Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
