I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
