he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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