When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
