Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
