well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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