I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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