I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
