This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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