my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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