Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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