I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
