I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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