hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
