My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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