Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
