i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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