So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
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