Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
