this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
where are you?
Hypothermia
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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