Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he was CRYING into my vagina
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
