3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
