We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
