community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
