Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
