I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize