I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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