My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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