Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize