I think I just saw someone hide a body.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
