Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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