Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
