Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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