Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
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