listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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