I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
