Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
