I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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