love makes seman taste better
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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