i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
