His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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