bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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