So drunk, too bad you don't want this
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize