I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
