While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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