Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Two words: blizzard sex
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
