i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
