dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
