Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
