Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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