Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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