Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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