you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
