I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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