I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
