It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize