Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Randomize
