checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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