Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize